Long before the first CAT hat was donned, the first cherry-bomb muffler
 installed, or the first pop-top bracelet created, Rednecks roamed the
 earth.
 
 Nobody knows exactly where they came from or who the first one was.  Maybe
 they descended from a caveman who liked to scratch a lot while admiring the
 prehistoric kill of the day, or maybe a Roman soldier who put taps on his
 sandals and fuzzy dice on his chariot.  Regardless of their roots, today
 they not only survive, they flourish.
 
 A common misconception is that Rednecks are confined to warmer climates and
 speak with a Southern accent, but nothing could be further from the truth. 
 Rednecks are very durable characters and can adapt to any climate (with the
 help of flannel and chenille).
 
 "Redneck" is not a term of derision;  it's a state of mind.
 
 YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
 
 You ever cut your grass and found a car.
 
 You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
 
 You think the stock market has a fence around it.
 
 Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-In Theater.
 
 You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
 
 Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
 
 You own a homemade fur coat.
 
 Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
 
 You burn your yard rather than mow it.
 
 Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
 
 You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship
 came in."
 
 You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
 
 The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
 
 You've ever raked leaves in the kitchen.
 
 Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor
 to spare a loved one.
 
 Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the Bingo Hall because of her
 language.
 
 Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home
 with the kids."
 
 Birds are attracted to your beard.
 
 Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
 
 You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
 
 You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
 
 You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
 
 Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
 
 You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
 
 You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
 
 You clean your fingernails with a stick.
 
 You coffee table used to be a cable spool.
 
 You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
 
 You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your door to make it look nice.
 
 Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
 
 Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
 
 Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
 
 You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
 
 There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of
 your car.
 
 The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
 
 There has ever been Crime-Scene tape on your bathroom door.
 
 You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
 
 The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
 
 You think a subdivision is a math problem.
 
 You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
 
 You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
 
 You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
 
 You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
 
 You're considered an expert on wormbeds.
 
 Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show-and-Tell."
 
 The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
 
 You've ever bought a used cap.
 
 Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
 
 You pick your teeth from a catalog.
 
 You've ever financed a tattoo.
 
 You've ever stolen toilet paper.
 
 You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
 
 People hear your car a long time before they see it.
 
 The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
 
 You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
 
 You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
 
 You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.
 
 You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
 
 You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
 
 You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
 
 You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
 
 Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
 
 MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
 
 You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
 
 You've ever spray painted you girlfriend's name on an overpass.
 
 Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the
 state trooper to kiss her ass.
 
 Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
 
 You own a denim leisure suit.
 
 You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
 
 Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
 
 You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
 
 Your family tree does not fork.
 
 You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in
 the car.
 
 You have a rag for a gas cap and a Hefty bag for a passenger's side window.
 
 The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
 
 You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
 
 You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge
 clearance restrictions.
 
 You've ever had to scratch you sister's name out of a message on the mens
 room wall that begins,
 "For a good time call..."
 
 You've ever hit on someone in a V.D. clinic.
 
 Your brother-in-law in also your uncle.
 
 You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work (or bingo).
 
 After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer
 bottles.
 
 Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
 
 All of your four-letter words are two syllables.
 
 You've ever been too drunk to fish.
 
 You cut your toenails in front of company.
 
 You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
 
 Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
 
 Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
 
 You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
 
 Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
 
 When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.
 
 Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
 
 Your wife's hair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
 
 Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
 
 Your house doesn't have curtains but your pickup does.
 
 Your father encourages you to quit school because Uncle Larry has an
 opening at the Lube Racks.
 
 You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
 
 Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.
 
 Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take the
 wheels off and skirt it.
 
 You consider a six-packs and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
 Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
 
 Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.
 
 Directions to your house include the phrase "turn of the paved road..."
 
 There are more than four cars up on blocks in the front yard.
 
 You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.
 
 You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
 
 You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
 
 You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
 
 You've been to a funeral where there are more pick-up trucks than cars.
 
 Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.
 
 You think that a Volvo is part of a woman's body.
 
 You have only one more hole to be punched in your car to get a freebie at
 the House of Tattoos.
 
 You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
 
 You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
 
 You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.